An Unnatural Umbilicus

Hello. My name is Tom. I have a problem.

It has nothing to do with alcohol. It has nothing do with drugs (caffeine notwithstanding).

Rather, my problem is one that stems from the centermost part of my being, that is, my belly button. Since moving to Japan I have been afflicted with what doctor's call "Chronic Navelis Fulloflintus" (CNF for short). In layperson's terms, this is a debilitating condition that causes an absurd amount of lint built up in one's navel over the course of a single day. It is a most embarrassing and incapacitating malady with no known cure. Below is an illustration of a normal day's lint build-up that I found on a website of affirmation for carriers of this disease:


Not being the kind to admit personal weakness, I only recently began to share the tale of my suffering with friends. During a heartfelt conversation over dinner this past weekend I was awestruck to find that not only one, but two of my male friends are stricken with the same condition.

Apparently there exist some common denominators among the sufferers of CNF: having stomach hair and not having a clothes dryer to remove unwanted lint from one's clothing. Though I am not sure what to make of this information at present, I hope that someday it will help lead to a cure for all those who must live with the pain and the stigma of CNF. Until that glorious day comes, truck on my brothers. Truck on.