HELLO JAPAN!

I have again returned, mostly unscathed and sans the bicycle that was supposed to arrive alongside my person, to civilization after having narrowly escaped the barbarous republicanism rampant in the States. As many of you know, and as any Japanese will tell you, Japan serves as the center and height of culture in the known universe. Though this is indeed a very strong, if not audacious, claim, I assure you that I would not make it hastily or without having thoroughly scrutinized over the information available to me. Evincing this proclamation, I present you with the following pictures:



Please note that this particular toilet is not an exception, but rather the rule in western style Japanese hotels. These toilets come equipped with a control pad on the side and a heated seat.

But what, pray tell, does this control pad do? Let's have a look, shall we:



Here we see that these toilets are equipped with a wide range of bidet/sprayer functions that can satisfy even the most rigorous hygienic demands. Unfortunately, however, the toilet and control pad pictured here is quite plain and in truth is among the least well equipped of its kind. At higher scale hotels you will find toilets that play music for you when you sit down, perhaps a delightful excerpt of Beethoven's 9th symphony or maybe even a springtime birdsong. Some even go so far as to thank you when you flush.

From this brief but illuminating glimpse of Japanese culture, a clear and incontrovertible fact emerges: Japanese society represents the apex of civilization as we know it. As demonstrated above, this wonderful people has made even defecation a posh and technologically sophisticated affair. Perhaps someday American society will reach this same golden age of lavatorial appurtenances. Until then, we salute you Japan.